When Caregiving Becomes CoDependency:

3 Tips for recognizing the signs

By Elaine A. Malec, PhD

Many family members providing care for a loved one report that the caregiving role is not a burden or isn’t a stress.  In most cases, when a family member takes on the role of caring for someone in the family that is ill, disabled or frail due to age, it is often done out of love and genuine concern. The person who needs the assistance many times is relieved and appreciative of the support.  This type of relationship is meaningful and valuable for both individuals and is not considered unhealthy.

There is, however, according to the American Psychological Association, an estimated 17% of caregivers that report “a lot of strain”.   One cause of the significant strain from caregiving is when the relationship has become dysfunctional or when the caregiver has become codependent.  There are circumstances and situations which can lead to this dysfunction and if the signs are not identified early, both the caregivers and the recipients can lose out on the precious time they have left to be together.  Here are three common signs:

Sensitivity to feelings of guilt. A person who has been or who is sensitive to the feelings of guilt are more apt to become codependent in relationships with someone who needs them.  Feelings of guilt are different from feelings of genuine regret or empathic sadness.  A person who feels compelled to act upon feelings of guilt can often make decisions based more on “keeping the peace” than on making good choices even when it causes distress or unhappiness.  None of us like to cause distress or unhappiness to those we love; but when “peace at all cost” is a common response to another person’s emotional reaction, the relationship is in trouble

Not functioning at their capability. If the person who needs assistance is passively (and sometimes not so passively) resisting doing for themselves those things they can or should be doing, there is a risk that the caregiver will step in and do it because, “it’s just easier”.  It may be something as simple as fastening their shoes because, “it will take them forever to do it” or it may be talking louder because “they just don’t like to wear their hearing aids”.  Whatever the resistance is, when the caregiver steps in and does more, unnecessarily, the relationship starts to shift and resentment can set in.  Believe it or not, in the long run it only erodes the sense of mastery for the passive recipient and leads to more problems with dependency and helplessness.

Outbursts and resentment.  A very common sign that a loving and caring relationship between a caregiver and their family member has become dysfunctional is a build-up of strain and frustration over small but unhealthy changes.  If angry outbursts either said out-loud or internally are happening for the caregiver about the person they are caring for, the relationship has moved into a codependent dynamic.  These outbursts often lead to feelings of guilt, followed by giving in to “keep the peace” which perpetuate an unhealthy cycle. These angry outbursts are very destructive for both people and it is hard to undo words spoken in anger once a person has passed.

If you are having trouble with any of these signs, you may be becoming codependent in your relationship. Overcoming these difficulties can put your relationship on a better path and make it possible to feel less stress and more balance between taking care of others and taking care of yourself.