Malec and Associates

Break-ups are tough. There are few (if any) times when a relationship ends that both people don’t go through a tough time. Whether you are the one that ends it, or you are the one left behind, the grief is there. But even though getting through a break-up is tough, there are times when the difficulty isn’t about the loss of love, it is about a bruised ego. Let’s explore the process and compare how each affects a person’ reaction to a break-up.

When you love someone, you have strong positive feelings for this person.  Whatever flaws they have, you still desire to be close and give yourself to them. You look forward to time together and you want to please them, and you want them to be happy. You are happy when they are happy, and you feel bad when they are in a bad place. You want good things to come their way. If the person begins to lose a desire to be close to you, it hurts. You feel sad and wonder why and if there is anything you can do to regain the closeness you once enjoyed. If the person admits that they are unable to be close again, you begin the grieving process. You remember the good times. You feel lost with your feelings and you may find it hard to enjoy other aspects of your life. Time slows down and your energy faulters. You struggle with wanting the person to “change their minds” and yet accepting the end has come. BUT, you don’t feel compelled to pursue the person after they have moved on. You don’t become enraged with their decision. Often, you will feel a sense of sadness for your loss but also a hope that the person finds what they are looking for because you still see them as a “good person”. Discussions with other people about the break-up are often about how you are getting on and how you wish only the best for the other person.

When a reaction to a break-up is more about an ego bruise, the process looks very different. The ability to separate becomes a push-pull of pursuing-distancing-rejecting-pleading-arguing-crying-rejecting. The cycle is difficult for both people, but the person who is being left often feels a sense of rejection that triggers a fear of abandonment and a fear of being unlovable. Now the break-up is dealt with by vilifying the other. A person begins to create a narrative where the other side is bad or horrible and paints a very negative picture of the person which can sometimes go all the way back to the beginnings of the relationship they used to speak so positively about. Getting back at the person or wanting others to dislike the person becomes an important part of their view of what is needed to move on. Their ego is now about negating the person who has left. The ego requires a feeling of vindication for the hurt the other caused them by “being rejected”.

Love doesn’t always work out. When love dies it hurts and we must go through a grieving process. But when we must inflict pain on the person we used to love, this isn’t about love…..it’s about ego.