Malec and Associates

Relationships can be tough. We want to be liked. We want to “get along” and we don’t want to be thought of as “that person!” We all know them. We all know people who are bossy, and self-centered and insensitive and we definitely don’t want to be considered “selfish”, right?

We think of selfish people as people who put their own needs above others or don’t think of the feelings of others. But sometimes when we worry so much about not wanting to be perceived as selfish, we make the mistake of not being real with people. We say “yes” when we really need or want to say “no”. For example, a friend asks you if you want to go to the movies on Saturday. You really would rather go on Friday, but instead of just saying so, you say, “I guess”. The impression for the friend is that you are fine with going on Saturday, but when Saturday comes you really aren’t into the movie and don’t seem engaged. Now your friend isn’t sure if she has done something wrong or you are upset about something. She now feels a vague sense of unease but can’t figure out why. Each time something like this happens, the friend has to make sense of what is going on. You become the “problem” in the relationship. She likes you. She wants to spend time with you, but you can be “unavailable” sometimes and now you become “that person”.

Saying “no” helps create trust. Saying “no” gently, kindly, respectfully creates a sense of honesty. Saying “no” with a desire to find compromise builds strong relationships. Feeling guilty for saying no is robbing your relationship from the ability to be a deeper relationship.