By

Michele Bowne, LCSW

Have you ever been upset when someone looked over to you and said, “You need to calm down.” And you were probably thinking something along the lines of, “Do not tell me to calm down” or “Who do you think you are telling me that?” coupled with ever increasing emotions? The problem is when we tell someone to calm down or match their heightened emotions by heightening our own, the calmness leaves the room, typically for good.

Well, the same goes for our children. Have you ever noticed that when your toddler screams that you gave them the blue cup instead of the yellow cup that when you respond with, “It’s no big deal, it’s just a cup!” or maybe you yell because in your head you’re thinking “Who has time for this? I’m going to be late for work!” Then suddenly, their initial protest in cup colors turns into a full blown five alarm meltdown.

While we can’t get rid of tantrums all together because they are a healthy part of our little one’s brain development, we can teach them the beginnings of how to regulate their emotions. Children learn to regulate their own emotions through co-regulation in the presence of a calm and nurturing adult. So how do we do that?

Identify what your child is going through to them. In our cup scenario this might look like a response from the parent of, “You really wanted the yellow cup this morning and now you’re feeling sad your cup is blue.”

Stay as cool as a cucumber. For parents who struggle with this step, I recommend getting down to your child’s level and whispering step one to them. Oftentimes children will mirror this behavior.

Offer two choices, in our cup scenario it might be, “Would you like a hug or some space?” “Would you like to put the yellow cup away or leave it out so you remember to use it after school?”

Remind your child that their feeling is going to pass, “You’re feeling sad right now but emotions come and go, it will pass soon.”

Take deep breaths. Just like if we tell a child to calm down, they're going to get more upset. If we tell them to take deep breaths, they might also become more upset. It is better to just show them this behavior by doing it yourself. Similar to whispering, oftentimes a child will mirror your breathing.