By Elaine A. Malec, PhD

In a recent article written by Josh Gonzales, MA in Psychology Today (Oct, 2023) called, The Hidden Cost of Saying “I Don’t Care” about the problems caused in a relationship when one person response to question of preference (such what restaurant or movie is preferred) by saying, “I don’t care.” he points out this often backfires by causing more decision-making difficulties for the other person in the interchange. I also think there are other problems which emerge in this type of response.

In healthy relationships where both people want to be viewed as equal and valued, there is a requirement that both continue to grow as individuals and also be participants in a relationship. Each person will need to strive to have a full engagement in life. This means to know the self. What does that mean? Well, it means a person has to know what they like, they dislike, they want,  they need, prefer, etc. A person will have to have a sense of what matters to them. But what if a person “truly” doesn’t care, you might ask? A simple way to answer this question is this. If a person was single and decided to go out for something to eat, would they have to choose which restaurant they went to? If a person decided to go to see a movie, would they have to choose a movie to see? If the response is that this person would never go out to eat and would never go to a movie, then there are other issues going on. A person who can’t “lend their voice” to a decision-making process, shrinks within a relationship. The relationship will struggle to maintain equality and it is at risk of becoming dysfunctional. It is important for each person to learn how to express preferences and to work towards a healthy balance of assertiveness and cooperation. This exercise in expressing preferences is not only good for the relationship, but also a way for a person to continue to grow as an individual.