Everyday Grief

By Elaine A. Malec, PhD

               Grieving, it appears, is part of many animals’ lives, including elephants, dolphins and even giraffes. Even though grieving is common, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Grieving can sometimes make a person feel unsteady or even disoriented. That’s because grief is variable in how it expresses itself on a day-by-day basis.

               There will be days when grief feels “overwhelmingly sad”. Those days, a person can feel as though they are walking through molasses. Everything is difficult. Everything brings exhaustion. If sleep is possible, the desire to escape from the sadness calls the person back to bed.

               Then there are days when feelings are so blunted that a person can function, but a general state of malaise sits over them like a wet blanket. Nothing is awful. Nothing is wonderful. Everything is “just okay”.

               Sometimes a person grieving can experience their feelings, but only at the surface. They get things done, talk with others and are engaged and even have thoughts outside of their loss. If someone asked a person grieving how things are going, he/she might say, “not too bad”.

               On a rare day during the journey of grieving, a person can actually start to feel again in a way that wasn’t possible early on. A person, who has learned how to “hold on and let go” begins to incorporate their loved one into their life as a source of strength and love. At this point, a person may be able to say, “I’m better”. This, however, doesn’t come without the unspoken truth of “but I still miss them”.

               This variability in grieving isn’t linear. A person’s experience ebbs and flows throughout these phases. There will be day-by-day fluctuations, and this is okay. One day feels “not too bad” or “I’m better” only to have the next day feel “overwhelmingly sad”. Everyone’s journey through grief is unique. Be gentle on yourself as you work through it.